 |
Cameltoe Cameltoe Tennis
Boris Pecker Toe
Factor: ? (That’s why he’s checking)
Boris should have checked his package this thoroughly before deciding to have sex in a broom closet with a hot and apparently fertile Russian teenager. That way he could have confirmed either his vasectomy scar or the presence of a condom. Or perhaps he is checking his shorts for the $3mm that he owed the Fatherland in back taxes last fall? "Ummm, sorry guys, all is see is skidmarks, no deutschemarks". But one can’t go too far in criticizing Boris because he is still a tennis legend, was a blast to watch and seems like a very good guy... and I won’t condemn someone who likes to keep their zipper open and their wallet closed.
John McEnTOE
Toe Factor: 10
Grand Slam Titles: 7
I have to believe that had he spent more than one year at Stanford he'd have known better than this. You should NEVER, EVER have a Toe Factor/Grand Slam ratio of greater than 1. I'm starting to think his anger on the court stemmed not from athletic perfectionism but from latent bitterness over the apparent smallness of his penis. Had he been blessed with a larger pistol, he'd probably be a club pro somewhere in Boca Raton. So, the "Irish Curse" and the resulting anger were probably worth it. But we kid because we care. Johnny Mac was the best thing that ever happened to tennis. Particularly compared to the robotic, serve-and-volley Euro-losers that populate the sport today.
Quality TOE
Toe Factor: 10
USTA Ranking: 105
Career Titles: 0
Career Endorsements: $45,000,000
Ah, glasnost. You don't have to be a big reader to appreciate the Cardinal in this Kremlin. It wasn't just nuclear arms and a totalitarian state that was hiding behind the curtain, it was also some quality TOE. You won't see this oft-injured Lolita on ESPN.com anytime soon, because she's won exactly as many titles as our other featured players here at THE REPORT. However, we don't discriminate against the overrated here. Now that Sharon Stone is too old to be in the Basic Instinct sequel, these photos should be forwarded to casting agents in Hollywood immediately.
Howard Stern gives Anna praise!
click here for audio clip
Maria SharaToeva
Toe Factor: 9
This is a great shot. Something about a misaligned tan-line is very sexy. This generation of Russian/eastern-European Tennis pros has game. And I'm saying that without knowing the slightest bit about any of their tennis skills. Since no one can realistically win when one or both of the Williams sisters is in the tournament, the new goal of these businesswomen is to focus instead on their curves and volley (a la Kournakova) and secure financial freedom by selling images of pubscent sexuality and illicit underage sexual innuendo. Yes, Adidas, you can just make that endorsement check out to “Lolita”. Yes, Nike, we know you're selling “boosh”, not “swoosh”. Capitalism, baby, love it or leave it.
Doh...: Sharapova d. V. Williams (6-1, 6-4) at Wimbledon 2004. Nice work Maria! Talk about game.
Camel Toe Girls
Featured Articles
Mary Toeler Moore
Mary Toeler Moore Toe Factor: 8 Seen: Vintage Jazzercise Videos It’s hard to believe that this was once the most powerful woman in Hollywood.
Beaver Creek (get it?)
We figured with most of the East Coast buried under a couple of feet of snow, a skiing toe would be appropriate this week. Unfortunately, this was the best we could do. The thing that sucks the most about winter in the Northeast isn't the snow. It is the cold toilet seat.
Water Park Toe
Adults do not give kids enough credit. For example, this kid here knows that looking up at his mother's Toe will cause him irreparable harm in later years. So he looks groundward and says, "no mommy...