Toe-tanic

Toe Factor: 8 (large left lobe on this one)
Seen: Who really cares?

Here we have pop diva Celine Dion, Canada's 2nd biggest export after beer. Canada has become a country that specializes in musicians that do movie soundtrack songs. Between Bryan Adams (Robin Hood, Don Juan De Marco, Three Musketeers) and Celine Dion (Titanic, Sleepless in Seattle, Beauty and the Beast), Canada seems to have found its core competency, and not a minute too soon. Rumor has it that Celine is now performing in Las Vegas as payback to a casino that is owed millions by her loser husband, Rene Angelil. But what better place to raise her new child than Vegas? The shows start in the spring of 2003. I will put Super Unleaded in a rental car before I will shell out $100 to see Celine Dion in Vegas. But that's just me.

Mariah Carey

MenTOE Health: 10
Mental Health: 3

Here's a fine toe shot of the singer who will never quite be anything more than the poor-man's Whitney Houston. Even her breakdowns and bad marriages can't compare to the anorexia and lesbian rumors of the real Diva. After ten years of overexposure and undeniable success, I cannot decide if she is good looking or not. I doubt she will age gracefully; her trend of dressing sluttier with each passing year charts a very dangerous course for the years 2011 and beyond. We've got a call into Derek Jeter (undoubtedly an avid toe fan) regarding these issues and will refresh this entry when he replies. Has there ever been someone who has sold this many records without any lasting hits? Quick...name your favorite Mariah song. You can't. I just tried that test and ended up humming "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul.

Chris-Toe-na Aguilera

Toe Factor: 7

I'm not really sure what to make of this. I know she's from Pittsburgh, and I'm guessing that this is some sort of bizarre Moulin Rouge-inspired halftime show at a Steeler's game. I do know that her toe is firmer than Coach Bill Cowher's chin, which is itself Rushmorian in its prominence and structural integrity. I'm told that of all of the teenybopper music out there that she is really the one with talent, so I'll accept that as true. But I don't have to merely accept at face value that she looks tacky and trashy... that I can see for myself. But in the greater Pittsburgh area, these adjectives are not the least bit off-putting. I went to a Jack LaLane gym in Mount Lebanon in 1988 with my friend Lytle and what I saw there scarred me forever. I have never seen such a combination of facial hair, center parts, those elastic geenie-style exercise pants that look like bengal stripes and come in all NFL colors and--of course--undeniable use of massive quantities of dianabol. I am confident that the scene there today is not different in any way whatsoever. If you're in New York or the Westchester area and see a guy who is 5'6" in both height and width and wearing the either a Dartmouth t-shirt or a shirt that advertises Firewater (a bar near Three Rivers Stadium), just say "Hi, Rich". Then you will know what Pittsburgh is all about.

Lil

Fans have suggested that we do a spin-off site called Camel-HO for some time and we've resisted. Well, our corporate expansion strategy might have to be revisited in light of the arrival of this photo in our mailbox. Her toe looks EXACTLY like our logo, it's that perfect. I think that there's a good chance she's wearing something to exaggerate and outline her lobes... even if she's not we've sure come a long way from a cameltoe being viewed as a fashion liability. She is wearing goggles to avoid splatter from the nearby busting of nuts -- which must sound like cannons shooting in unison from an old battleship. I want all Miami Dolphins cheerleaders to look like this next season... what that moribund franchise needs is a cheering section made up of porn-industry Lauren Hill look-alikes.