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Al Bore
Toe Factor: 0, despite effort. Everything about him is a non-factor
What I’d pay to meet him: $0.00
What I’d pay to not meet him: something more than $0.00
With the Democratic primary season ’heating up’ (in a relative sense, of course), it’s important to remember that how each candidate sports their Toe does have ramifications on their campaign (recall Bush’s Toe show after he landed on the Aircraft carrier to announce complete and total victory in Iraq). Here we see typical Gore: a completely and transparently choreographed and artificial sporting of Toe to make him appear to be an Alpha Male rather than a 50 year old man still trying to impress his deceased father. That said, this photoe is unimpressive; perhaps if there had been more "Dangling Al" then the race wouldn’t have come down to a "Dangling Chad". Toes are a personal decision and best kept out of the domain of focus groups and image consultants. When you have no core self (as Gore clearly doesn’t... what other adult candidate for president presents three different ’personalities’ in debates?) you have to get a quorum on all decisions... what magazine to pose for, what to wear, toe or no toe?, what to think, go #1 or #2 in public bathrooms, what color to wear, blazer or suit, where to vacation... it never ends. As bad as Bush is, and he is truly bad, Gore is worse. How can a country with probably 70mm men eligible to run for president be winnowed down to these losers?
Matthew McCameltoe
Toe Factor: 8 (impressive testicular cleavage)
Favorite Dip: Skoal (Regular… Bandits are for wussies)
There is nothing sadder than seeing a guy that can get laid anytime doing things that a guy should only do in order to get laid. This photo is a perfect example. Matthew could certainly spackle anyone in the zip code. But here he sits, petting a rodent. Why? He is from Texas, a state where that dog could end up as a hood ornament. He should know better. But it has been steadily downhill for Matthew. "Dazed and Confused" was genius. "Amistad" was strong. "Contact" was OK. But "How to Lose a Wedding Planner in 10 Days" was truly pathetic. Even the Dixie Chicks ought to be embarrassed that this guy is from Texas.
Gaping Places
Toe Factor: 5
Seen: In syndication on TLC and Discovery Channel
Here we see Paige Davis of TLC's "Trading Spaces". You've seen this show... at certain times of day it seems that the only things on TV are Tony Robbins, Carlton Sheets (buy real estate with no money down), the investing midget twin brothers in brown three piece suits and pinky rings (see cashflowgenerator.com... it's unreal) and this program. The point of the program is to get two couples who live next door to each other to redecorate a room in the others' house on a shoestring budget. The houses always look the same and the couples are invariably overweight and wear stonewashed pants and shirts from Structure. The husbands always react with some blend of indifference and feigned excitement/disappointment (taking cues from their more animated wives) when gazing at the new stenciled roosters on their kitchen walls or the new faux wainscotting in their TV room. Paige narrates the activities and gives us goodies like this shot. Most of the husbands on the show would rather trade places with Paige's underwear, and so would we.
Midlife Crisis Toe
Toe Factor: 7 (inflated due to the scrotal harness)
Seen: On both sides of most issues
Here we see a photo of Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry attempting to show us that he shreds hardcore. This photo is further proof that every candidate is lying to you all the time. We here at the Toe try to remain above the fray when it comes to politics. We find both major parties to be equally distasteful due to the fact that they are largely comprised of people. And lets face it, most people grab. So, please do not consider this an endorsement of our current prez. But our man John is trying way too hard to make us think he is young and hip. Snowboarding and windsurfing are one thing. But that photo of him doing a headstand bong hit in Ibiza was too much. It is like he is trying out for a Mountain Dew ad rather than the presidency. A word of advice: be yourself. These shots are almost as ridiculous as W landing on the aircraft carrier in a jumpsuit. Americans have highly tuned bullshitometers. And right now, both candidates are scoring pretty high. Dial it back, clowns.
Camel Toe Girls
Featured Articles
Kid Wikkid
It’s hard to believe that this ragged, toe-accentuating look was ever considered cool, even in places like Harrisburg, PA and Worcester, MA. These rockers (from left: "Corn" Mills, "Chucky" Joyce, "Flounder" Knapp, "Abs" Lemkau and an unknown substitute bassist) are part of the Dartmouth class of 1991.
Kind of touching
One of our fans has honored us with her presence on the homepage this month
Lindsay Toehan
Never in history has someone gone from adorable to adwhorable faster than Miss Lohan. How can the woman pictured in this photo, who dates the cheesy guy from That 70s Show whose name isn't Ashton, be only six years removed from the girl who starred as twins in THE PARENT TRAP?