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Baby! Bono
U-Toe Toe Factor: 10 (in the name of all that's holy!)
Seen: Every arena with more than 50,000 seats
Achtung Baby! Bono loves the fans. But in this concert, he REALLY appears to be enjoying himself. Do not get me wrong. I dig U2, particularly because they are Ireland's single biggest export. But this is without precedent. I actually went to see U2 perform in 1983. I can recall telling my friend that they seemed too angry, and would never amount to anything. For the last 18 years, I have felt like an idiot for saying that. And now....I have a website that is devoted to genitalia. Who's the loser now Bono? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Editor's Note: After his performance at the Superbowl this year The CT Report withdraws any future mocking of Bono. Outstanding show!
Jon Bon Toevi
Toe Factor: 7
Last seen: browsing blow dryers at Circuit City in the Paramus Mall
Jon is a survivor, you have to give him that. So what if he looks increasingly like Leeza Gibbons or Joan Lunden. He's updated his look and sound with more success than any of his contemporaries. Look no further than the Behind the Music profile on Poison for proof of this. Jon seems like a smart and thoroughly decent guy who will probably raise children who will not interface with the justice or penal systems. Kudos to him for staying with his first wife as well. He also is why I refer to my 1985 Suburu Brat as my "steel horse" and why my two toy poodles are named Tommy and Gina. But a Toe is a Toe in JBJ has a nice one here.
Axl Rose Toe
Toe Factor: you do the math
To me, this is more American than the statue of the Marines raising the flag at Iwo Jima. From his late-80s co-branded Axl/Converse All-Stars to whatever it is that he uses to pad his crotch, this is the embodiment of all that heavy metal can and should be. The gap between Axl and the guys from Poison (who we've written about before) is no less wide than the gap between a Renoir and the "art" for sale on the wall of the barbershop/index.php I go to. What self respecting male between 22 and 40 hasn't joined Mr. Rose in falsetto during the last verse of "Patience" while driving around circa 1990? I'm so happy that he just disappeared and that we've been spared (so far) his return as a sensitive mid-40s soccer dad and AA graduate sharing tales from the good old days on Larry King Live while sipping vitamin water and wearing a cableknit turtleneck sweater. There is at best a 15% chance that the bulge in his pants is the real deal.
Iggy Stop
Toe Factor: 5
Seen: unfortunately
Here, aging punk icon Iggy Pop performs at the Garage festival in NY. Come on, dude. Put on a shirt. The cottage cheese shoulder. The wrinkled gut. The tight jeans. That ain't right. When you turn 50, you relinquish the right to remove your shirt in public. That goes for women too. Saggy breasticles darken everyone's day. We are trying to keep these kids off drugs, and you have to show them this?
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