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Cameltoe Just Wrong
Prague Toe
Toe Factor: 7
This picture was taken last week by our friend Franz. While Prague is a gorgeous city in a nation which has taken tremendous strides, it's clear from this shot that personal incomes there are still low, styles tend to lag by at least a decade and the materials (the "leather" in these pants is really mostly vinyl, like the "leatherette" seats in a 1986 Buick Regal) are of questionable quality. These pants are pure Iron Curtain in their make and fit... look, if you can clean the pants with Glass-Plus they are not real leather. In America we have "this guy" also... in fact, every liberal arts college has a few of these guys on the quad every Spring. These are the guys who bring a guitar to parties and cookouts as part of their rap (actually, as their entire rap) and who are usually also fairly good at hackey sack despite not being motivated or discipline enough to have actually made the soccer team. In the US their take on life usually entails the unwittingly hypocritical badmouthing of whatever it is that their fathers do despite their fathers giving them everything they have and their sense of entitlement. He doesn't know now, though it is obvious to most everyone else, that in ten years he'll either be on his way to becoming his dad or still be supported by his dad, or both. He's probably playing Phish or some awful Dave Matthews tune and trying to impress some chick who is in the vicinity... does he know he's only a haircut away from a job at Deustche Bank?
Varsitoe Wrestling Team
Toe Factor: 10 (nice 'greyhound' P.O.V.)
This poor guy is not only about to get pinned. He is also about to get tea-bagged by some guy from a neighboring town in front of his parents and teammates. Wrestling is a disgusting sport. Remember how the wrestlers' part of the locker room smelled in high school? Remember seeing those guys with their sweatshirts on in the sauna, doing ab crunches? Remember the acne that built up on their shoulders as a result of the ugly cocktail of the aforementioned fully-clothed sauna visits and puberty? Now imagine wearing a spandex jumper and getting in the doggie position with one of these clowns just to earn a varsity letter. If that is what it takes to get into a prestige college, sign me up for JuCo.
White Man Toe
Toe Factor: 3 (looks like a gherkin)
Seen: Country clubs, Forbes 400
What in the Wide World of Sports is this cretin doing? This image will reappear in my nightmares soon. But in the meantime, let's discuss Whitey. As awful as the costume is, can you imagine how he would look nude? Look at the breasts. The Gut. The Love Handles. The Chicken Legs. He is a moustache away from the Repulsive Hall of Fame. If he were in Hong Kong, he would live in Repulse Bay. I actually like the ski goggles. They round out the outfit (white people like to ski). But why did he tie the rubber band around his spare tire as if to accentuate the pooch? I just hope he can get back safely to the Boston Archdiocese where Cardinal Law can protect his right to remain a priest.
Poison, Ten Years Later
Toe Factor: 8
Seen at: Vince's Pizza, Hagerstown Maryland
Drives: Leased Dodge Viper
Glasses: Ambervisions. From QVC.
Poison was the funniest of the glam rock bands. They didn't mean to be, of course. But they were. Who could forget the lyrical poetry of Unskinny Bop? Who hasn't had their life put in perspective by downloading the lyrics of "Every Rose has its Thorn" from the internet and repeating the words as a personal mantra? They had the poor man's version of so many better groups from the era: they had the cheesiest and least charismatic parts of Van Halen and Guns and Roses. They made Warrant and Ratt seem like The Who and Led Zeppelin. They made Sebastian Bach of Skid row seem like a cross between Bob Dylan and Mick Jagger. Yet they sold a ton of albums and probably had some incredible orgies. So they can be with girls like this one and have plenty more appetizing images flashing through their mental rolodexes. And that's a good thing, because when you're 42, headlining a 4H fair in Sioux Falls and renting a studio in Mechanicsburg, PA -- memories are what get you through the day.
Camel Toe Girls
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