Not Much Down Under

Toe Factor: 2 (pathetic display)
Seen: Buying penis pumps at porn stores.

"I come from a land down under, where beer does flow and men chunder" It appears in this case that the verb "to chunder" means "to" make an ass of oneself receiving a medal in tights while experiencing severe shrinkage". Ironic that the women in the background had the decency to accept their medals in baggy bermuda-style shorts, while their colleagues with the external plumbing refrained from extending us the same courtesy. This is why American guys have little difficulty scoring when overseas. This is also what happens when a country decides to allow Tony Robbins to tape three consecutive years of "Personal Power: The Driving Force" within its borders. These Aussies (I am not sure they are Aussies...but I want to piss off an Aussie friend of mine) are clearly humiliating themselves and their country. I love how the woman is clearly examining the last guys' vienna sausage. She is thinking to herself "I normally dont like men. But if it's that small, what is the difference?"

HunterToe

Toe Factor: 7 (it looks cold..give the guy credit)
Favorite Poetic Meter: Iambic Pentameter

Women look at a guy like this and can hardly keep from touching themselves. Mmmmmm. The Tan. Ahhhh. The astute fashion sense. Eeeeeh. The sensitivity to animals. Ooooh. The breakfast beer and cigar. It is such an appealing package. But as repulsive as this guy is to women, we men see the freedom in his eyes and are frankly a bit jealous. This guy cares not about the yield curve. He doesn't worry about asset class diversification in his portfolio. He has no need for insurance. He has a need for underwear. But that is another matter. He has that shit-eating grin that can only come from sucking back a Schlitz, loading up a 12-gauge and going out looking for varmint poontang. He might even bring along some M-80s, and blow up some stuff along the way. And you know why? Because he can.

Jeremy

I don't know why this is called Jeremy's Tantric Toe. Perhaps the sender called it that himself. I haven't seen this much body hair since accidentally viewing a homemade porn tape, on betamax no less, that my sister made memorializing the night she hooked up with Oates, from Hall and Oats, after the "Say it ain't so" tour of 1984 came to our town. Mom never let her go into the city again after that night. Guys like this need the body hair though, because without it they'd look like Gumby. Of course, they don't need to work out because, as everyone who has ever taken a P.E. class knows, it's the skinny Axel Rose type of mangy guys that are packing the biggest lumber... so what's the incentive to strap yourself to a nautilus machine if that's the case? Lumber notwithstanding, this guy has a Kenny G CD in his car and has virtually no sense of humor... he talks for hours about mountain biking and hiking and the carbohydrate/protein ratios in the leading power bars on the market. I would put money on it that this guy lives in San Francisco or the Pacific Northwest and is loyal to some lame microbrew in his region just for the sake of conversation.

Waterslide Toe

Toe Factor: 7
Likelihood of embarrassed kids/family: HIGH

For those of you on LSD right now, yes… this IS Cal Ripken sliding into home. Dads were put on this planet for two primary reasons: to provide for their families and to embarrass those families. It's the unspoken Faustian bargain that kids unknowingly make with Dad. Wanna go to the amusement park? Price of admission is this type of behavior and attire. Wanna have friends over? Be prepared to have dad meddle and act generally like a dork. Later, when kids are 16, Dad treats them to those uncomfortable displays of rusty flirting with their 'hot' friend. Part of his strategy is being so much cooler and generous than he is when no one is looking. Parent's Weekend freshman year? Forget about it. Dad will tell everyone who will listen (and some who will try not to listen) about how hard he partied with a certain colleague named "the gooch". Later in life, your dad attends a cookout and mispronounces even the most simple words and phrases, making you wonder how on earth you ever had a sense of security or faith that things would work out during your first 18 years on the planet. And then, of course, you proceed to act the same way.