Iron "Made In" the 70

Iron Maiden is one of those groups that achieved a level of fame primarily for being famous -- like a 70's cheesemetal version of George Hamilton. They never rose above opening act because, unlike other marginal groups like Judas Priest and The Scorpions, these guys just never had that one breakout hit that you'd hear coming out the T-tops of Camaros in every high school parking lot in the Fall of 1980. When I see a photo like this I'm reminded of the brilliance of SPINAL TAP... truly you cannot tell if these guys are the jokesters or the joke. These guys used to sit around the front of the tourbus wondering "why the hell can't we come up with something like 'living after midnight' or 'rock me like a hurricane'?" while the bassist from Judas Priest was having a threesome with their girlfriends. Instead, these guys took solace knowing that at least the losers in the smoking area behind the cafeteria liked their shirts.

The primary TOE

Toe Factor: 8.5
Seen at: Playing State Fairs

There's a lot to work with here. We'll start with the two center-part victims. The one on the left is giving a snotty, Donna-from-90210 glare and the one on the right looks like a cross between Doug Henning and Karen Carpenter after a meatball sandwich (hey, anything's possible in the world of magic). Between them is a guy who looks like he's working the dastardly hairpiece/mullet combo, a long-haired version of Lee Horsley, who played "Matt Houston" during the 1980s. But this is a poor-man's Horsley, and Horsley himself was the poor-man's Tom Selleck. The primary TOE is on the left, and it is a disturbing plate of snake and eggs. Yet there's little doubt that, lurking behind clasped hands and faux silk robes, the others are sporting toes, too. Unless you live in Burbank, Glendale, or some other Valley hamlet in which every other house on your block is shooting porn by the pool, you're not likely to see humans of this color and stripe anytime soon.

The amazing thing about them was that they were from Canada and did not suck. Rush is almost good enough to offset the malice inflicted upon the world by Bryan Adams and Celine Dion. Wait... nothing can ever compensate for Celine Dion. She makes my bowels squirm. But this photo shows you just how ridiculous a rock band can get despite being immensely talented. Look at the outfits. Look at the hair. Look at the toe. But not for too long. Look away! It can do damage. "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." Truer words have never been spoken.

David Towie

Toe Factor: 9
Overheard Saying: "Listen Iman...I know Mick is ugly, but I was on some serious drugs at the time."

"Ground Control to Major Toe". Let's set the record straight: David Bowie is a genius and a renaissance man. However... Why the Thin White Duke would wear a cutoff shrink-wrapped tablecloth in this manner is a question for the ages. This has to be as ridiculous as a man can look with a supermodel on his arm. Iman did not merely allow this to occur; she joined him on this walk of shame, making her guilty of an act of commission and not merely omission. But then again......she is from Toemalia. I think this is the only creative effort by Bowie that will not be copied by Puff Daddy....or P. Diddy....or whatever that no-talent loser calls himself this week.

Paul Stanley (of KISS, dumbass)

Toe Factor: 6
Rolls of Fat Concealed by Sequin Cummerbun: 6

While my inclination is to ridicule Paul without restraint, I cannot do so because I have some admiration for him. I respect that he has sold tens of millions of dollars worth of action figures and lunchboxes to generations of fans. I also like that his real name is Stanley Eisen, he is 50 years old and flaunting his bag. Most of all, I respect that he and Gene Simmons fired Ace and Peter and offered to rehire them on essentially an hourly wage. If other groups had recognized where the value really was we wouldn't have travesties of justice such as Ringo Starr's $300,000,000 net worth and Tico from Bon Jovi would be flying in economy class instead of in a Boeing Business Jet. All of that aside, he has neither the body nor the penile girth to justify what we're looking at here, and he should have known better.