 |
Cameltoe Retro Toes
Geo Toe
Toe Factor: 8 (overrated..but it is on a textbook)
Seen: Sneaking behind the rock for a quick blaze
The early 70's were beautiful. Here we have the cover of a geology textbook featuring two lovely toe specimens. The publisher knew that because the subject matter was so dry, he would have to subtly entice the readers with protruding genitalia. I took Geology in college because everyone said it was easy. I got a D. I couldn't tell Feldspar from an Igneous. But then again, I think I only attended class four times, which explains why I write for a website about crotches. Meanwhile, your little brown-nosing, class-attending, test-passing, no-bong-doing ass is reading my work at your office, where you are about to get laid off. I mean...lets face it. If you were really adding value, you wouldn't be reading this sentence...would you? Now, get back to work you little Six-Sigma, Total Quality, JD Power, 360 Degree, New Paradigm drone before I call your boss.
Brooke Shields
Toe Factor: 5
Heard Saying: Nothing comes between "me and my calvins" except a toe
What we see here is lots of Brooke Shields and no signs of panty shields. Her bathing suit looks like the jocks that Coolidge used to wear during the locker room scenes on The White Shadow. Looking back, it's hard to believe that an entire generation of men (now roughly 32-38) learned to play their instruments by renting Blue Lagoon on betamax (and browsing through the bra section of the Macy's catalog). If teenage sex symbols advance as far in the next twenty years as they have in the past twenty, our children will be worshipping pop stars who perform naked in gynecological examination chairs.
I always get Christopher Atkins confused with Willie Ames, who played an older brother in Eight is Enough and a side-kick in Charles in Charge. Given what a prude Brooke was, the bluest thing in that lagoon were his balls.
Heather Thomas Toe
Toe Factor: 5 (crepe material giving a false positive)
Finest Work: That Love Boat episode
Heather Thomas was every guy's fantasy in the early 80's. This was often the replacement photo for the guy that was tired of his Farrah Fawcett poster, and with good reason. Heather was famous for her work opposite Lee Majors in "The Fall Guy", which cast the 6 Million Dollar Man as a bounty hunter named Colt Seavers. After that series died, Heather did some TV movies, some Vagina Monologues. Her career is on the standard hottie trajectory, where she is primed to become one of the medical examiners when CSI does its third spinoff, CSI Denver: Mile High Murder. Which show gets its 7th spinoff first? Law and Order? or CSI? My money is on Law and Order. I am waiting for the politically correct "Law and Order SUV" that focuses on rich blond hotties in Greenwich CT running over immigrant landscaping employees in their Range Rovers.
Heffner Toe
Toe Factor: 9
# of Dolls Sold to Girls: 0
Throughout history, most Toes have been the result of happy accidents rather than design. Here, however, is a toe borne of calculated intent which passed the scrutiny of middle managers at Mattel and Playboy, both large public companies with many layers of bureacracy. This is a shining moment in the mainstreaming of the toe...a recognition that it is a look to be planned, coveted and enjoyed. When I saw this photo, I envisioned Donald Trump buying several of these dolls, lining them up on the top of his toilet, and making them watch him urinate. Maybe it is just his freakish combover. But something tells me he likes to pee in front of Barbie dolls. Hmmmmm.
Camel Toe Girls
Featured Articles
Major
These are the poster children for the 70's, a time when the world was all about free love, chest hair, enormous bushes, sexually transmitted diseases and clothing that accentuated cameltoes (a special thank you to Fila, Ellese, Boast, Head and other brands which peaked 25 years ago). Interest rates were high in the 70's so perhaps in such a deflationary environment $6mm went a long way.
Punc-Toe-ation
know, according to Schoolhouse Rock, it's the conjunction whose function is to hook up clauses and phrases (this occurs at conjunction junction).
She's the one
I am not ashamed to admit that this toe vendor is a hottie. Most of the other non-celebrity toes are pretty skanky. Not that I want to bring this one home to meet Mom. But she is boner fuel.