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Cameltoe Sports Toes
Toe Factor: n/a
Seen: MTV's Spring Break
Favorite Band: Phish, Ani DiFranco (but only when she's pissed at her boyfriend)
At this point, you're probably asking yourself, "Since when do wedgies pass for camel toes?" Truth is, they don't. We just thought this was a great picture of a chick directing your attention toward her ass - something I firmly believe all chicks with a decent bumper ought to lend some serious consideration to. Fact is, men don't want to hear about how Sex in the City is "omigod soooo true," or why Jewel's lyrics touch you on such a personal level. But we'll listen, anyway - just so long as you keep pointing to your ass. Quid pro quo, baby. (Meanwhile, my friend Rick offered this explanation: "She's probably giving a play call to her teammate behind her." Screw you, Rick. Way to destroy my plea for more female ass-pointing, jerkface.)
Ultimate Toe Championship
Toe Factor: 9 (2....2.....2 toes in 1)
Seen: L.A...people like these only exist in L.A.
I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that the only heterosexual in this picture is the 2nd guy from the right. If you took the rest of them, and added a few costumes, you would have the Village People. Mohawk Boy on the far left is trying really hard to look straight. But he definitely owns the Barbra Streisand box set. The guy next to him is only doing this UFC thing until they make a sequel to "The Full Monty". The woman is pretty hot. But something tells me she will be at the Dinah Shore this year. The Mario Van Peebles wannabe is clearly gay. The next guy is straight. I dont know why. He just is. The guy on the far right gives me the creeps. His head is big and shaped funny. He could be from another planet.
* Editor's note: Our fan's tell us this is Carmen Electra! Hello.
Mexican WrestleMania
Toe Factor: Grande
Before NAFTA, America didn't have enough of these. Thank God Vice President Gore beat Perot in that debate on Larry King Live back in 1993 so now every hamlet in Iowa with an El Torito has an opportunity for an "authentic" south of the border experience. Could that 'sucking sound' that Ross Perot described be the air rushing from this guy's pants as he struggles mightily to contain and tame his unruly scrotum? We're not sure if this guy is in fact 4'8" or whether it's the angle, but either way it'd be hard to take him down... with a center of gravity that low. The Butafuoco hairstyle and the Fernando Valenzuela/pornstar mustache are a winning combination, and one can't praise too heartily the functionality and styling of the kneepads.
"The Facts of Life"
Toe Factor: 6.5
Seen: Shaving "her" back
Favorite Movie: Terminator 2 (Linda Hamilton...mmmmm)
Hey...I always wondered what happened to Joe from that show "The Facts of Life". Is there anything at all sexy about this woman? I ask you. Call me conventional, but this kind of "woman" gives me the willies. I could never hang out with a woman that could kick my ass. Actually, a lot of the women I hang out with could kick my ass. But that is not important. This one could SERIOUSLY kick my ass.
Camel Toe Girls
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Laguna Seca Toe
Let's say right of the bat that there is nothing you could think of sexually that would be shocking or off-limits to a chick who wears a bikini to a motocross event; this is why the X Games should probably be called the XXX games. Do you think either of these girls would say "slow down...let's take this slowly"?
Cher-a-Toe
It looks like she's got a Sheraton Hotel in her Toe! Many have queried as to why Sonny was first interested in Cher..that was, after all, before she had any plastic surgery and her face looked like some of Picasso's cubist work.