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Cameltoe Winter Olympics
Toe-Lympics
Toe Factor: 8 (Lovely Spread Factor)
OK...the Toe-lympics are over. Thank god. Now we can finally return to that quality NBC programming like Fear Factor and Weakest Link. But they wouldnt let us go without one more night of punishment. They had to bring back the Child of Light. But nothing sucked like KISS performing with Kristi Yamaguchi and Katarina Witt. What the hell was that? Then they wheeled out Earth Wind and Fire, Willie Nelson and countless other geriatrics. All I could think of was....It is 28 degrees. Unless they were offering lapdances, my ass would have been watching from a hotel room. But here we have two final Toe offerings. It is a shame that we will have to wait 4 more years for quality displays like this. But on the other hand, with photos like this on MSNBC and ESPN, our site has more competition than normal. Good riddance.
'The TOE-Day Show
Toe Factor: -1 (This is what I like to call a Humbler)
Seen: Rockefeller Center making Midwest women swoon
Here we have Matt Lauer getting into the Olympics spirit for NBC. The only problem is he appears to have left his genitalia back at the top of the run. Listen, I'm an understanding guy. I know what happens to the goods when it is zero degrees outside. But I have never seen an outie turn into an innie. Even after dunking my doodads in a glass of ice water, I have never had a mangina like this one. Maybe I am just jealous because he was named one of the 50 Most Beautiful People by People Mag. Or maybe I am pissed because he makes $8MM a year (Katie Couric makes $13MM). Or maybe I was in a deli called Mangia in Midtown last year and this clown cut in line in front of me. Like his time is more important than mine? I don't think so. The moral of the story is: don't act like a jackass. You never know when your target is going to have a website with 50,000 visitors a day and pictures of you with massive shrinkage.
Maria Butt-yrskaya
Toe Factor: 8
Seen: Crying, holding a bouquet of flowers, staring up at the scoreboard
Favorite Movie: Ice Castles (perhaps the worst ever)
Figure skating is pretty close to women's gymnastics when it comes to pissing me off. The scoring is so obviously biased (9.6, 9.6, 9.8, and a 7.5 from the Russian judge). The routines are entirely repetitive. The music they play is unforgiveable. And it is cold. But figure skating does have some redeeming qualities. First, I love listening to the invariably gay male announcer. Whoever it is, they always make me laugh. I would tune in just for the audio. Second, it has produced some incredible pop culture. Who could forget Nancy Kerrigan boring people to tears on Saturday Night Live? Or even better, have you seen the video of Tonya Harding and Gillooley on their honeymoon? That was quality amateur porn. Blows away the Tommy and Pamela Lee video. Lastly, I really like the "freestyle" segment where the guys let their hair down, and come out with a "rowdy" costume like a leather jacket and play a rock n roll song. They usually have a mullet, and play air guitar. Priceless.
Born Luger
Toe Factor: 10 (says so right on the uniform)
Seen: Going back to his job at Home Depot with no medal
First off, let's be clear that the winter olympics consists primarily of hobbies for rich white people rather than athletics. I'm not saying that athletic skill isn't required to perform these functions well...just that they are not sports. Take Luge, for example. When i was a kid we called this "sledding". Aerodynamic helmets and titanium tobaggons aside, that is still what this is....a person, a sled, an incline and gravity. "Hobby" status was confirmed when, during the opening ceremony, Bob Costas mentioned that one of the Irish Lugers was also a javelin thrower in four Summer Olympic games...this is just his "hobby". Of course, the hobby/sport debate has no bearing on the fact that many of these events provide good Toe, mostly due to the confluence of space age uniform fibers and the hardening of the Toe region due to cold weather.
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