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Cameltoe Women Cameltoe 31 & Up
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Double Fisted Toe
Toe Factor: 7
Seen at: Ozzfest '96 in Alpine Valley Wisconsin
This is a woman with a timeless understated beauty evocative of a young Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn or Lauren Bacall. Usually it's considered unrefined to wear denim cutoffs, but that's only when they don't have a home-made fringe that matches the bikini top. This hottie won't give a handjob to just any Korn fan, she's saving it for that special someone. And when she meets him, she'll also give him a cold Arizona Iced Tea which she spiked herself with some Skyy Vodka that she stole from the drink cart on the plane last month on her way to Cancun. As she says, "You can't teach classy", you've either got it or you don't, and our girl here has so much of it's she's bursting at the seams... especially down by her zipper.
Beast Hampton
Toe Factor: 10
This picture goes right to the heart of the changing of the guard in the Hamptons. The WASPy woman on the left is appropriately frumpy and ageless in the sense that you don't know if she's 28 or 44. She looks equally comfortable taking care of her horse or helping her oldest son fill out his Hotchkiss application. She lives in a house that her grandfather (the last risk-taker in the family) bought and in which she spent her childhood summers. She married a guy she met at summer camp in 1979 after they reconnected as Summer Interns at a whiteshoe law firm. His first name is most commonly a last name and he is silently furious at the amount of money his unrefined clients are making while he's doing due diligence by the hour; he doesn't realize their balls and hunger mean more than his pedigree. These two are dinosaurs. The woman on the right and her unpictured spouse are their replacements. Forget the love handles, Lilly Pulitizer dresses, and comfortable old Volvo station wagon (with 15 years of beach passes on the bumper). She and her hair-gelled superman fly in by helicopter and run errands in a Maserati. They are conspicuous and unrepentant consumers. They water the lawn with Moet and have kids who are comfortable swearing in front of adults. When she goes out, she makes sure that her pants are sprayed on and accentuate both her abdominal liposuction and the collagen she just had injected into her labia. Rather than going for the understated look, she views her Toe as an accoutrement... a card to be played in the poker game of life. Her Toe and the brazenness with which she displays it represent her conquest of the Eastern tip of Long Island... she's a modern-day conquistador. So who cares if she's screwing her trainer?
Water Park Toe
Toe Factor: 10 (exquisite specimen)
Seen: Finishing the Accenture Corporate Challenge 1K
Adults do not give kids enough credit. For example, this kid here knows that looking up at his mother's Toe will cause him irreparable harm in later years. So he looks groundward and says, "no mommy...I dont want any Ritz crackers..", hoping that she will put on some shorts or sweatpants. But like all mothers, she is hell-bent on embarrassing her child. Why else would she wear a Dallas Cowboys hat? As if the toe weren't enough to ensure that her son will be beaten up near the tetherball court at LBJ Elementary on Monday. This is further proof that you should never go in the water at those water parks. Just imagine the funk seeping out of this toe into the wave pool. Gives me the willies just thinking about it.
Domino Toe
Toe Factor: 9 (or whatever she tells you it is)
Seen: The Carlsbad K-Mart, buying twine and pliers
"Welcome to my two bedroom townhouse of submission. My name is Mistress Domino. Now, get on your knees and crawl across my wall-to-wall Berber carpet to this classy bronze statue and lick my boots. You have probably noticed two things by now. First, I am the only woman south of Santa Barbara with my original breasts. Second, that I look like a combination of two actors from The Shining - Shelley Duvall and Scatman Crothers. Oh, and by the way, the cost for this session is $75. Now, back to the torture. First, I am going to tie you up naked and make you watch Hugh Grant in Mickey Blue Eyes while your sweaty ass sticks to my velour couch. Then, I am going to make you pluck out your eyelashes with chopsticks while listening to Paul McCartney's new song about Freedom. If you are still alive after that, I will smear hummus on my neck wrinkles and make you lick it off. Who's your Mommy?"
Camel Toe Girls
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