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Cameltoe Women Cameltoe 31 & Up
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Fireplace Toe
Toe Factor: 12 (it is almost too big to be real)
Seen: A suburb of Allentown, PA
"Hi...I'm Tammy. I am sooo glad that you decided to answer my personal ad. I just knew someone would reply no matter what the guy at the newspaper said. Welcome to my home. Ain't it nice? I got it in the divorce settlement from my ex-husband, Garty...Why thank you! I just got my hair done up at the Lehigh Valley Mall at Expressions...you know, right down from the Orange Julius. If you would like, I can light the fire here, and we can have some poopoos..that is Chinese for appetizers. I made some devilled eggs and some of them pigs in blankets. Then, if you can open up this box of wine, we can have a drink or two. My waiter at Bennigan's told me that White Zinfandel goes well with meatloaf. I think this is going to be a special night. Dont you?"
The Crazy Question Toe
Toe Factor: 8
Seen: Spanish TV
When I look at the Spanish TV stations I wonder to myself… "do these people really like this stuff?" Or do we as the imperialistic American programmers just assume they do? Does speaking a different language make basic human tastes this different? It seems that something as inherently stupid as Sabado Gigante or this program should be hated (or at least ignored) in whatever language they are using. The last census showed that 14% of Americans are now identifying themselves as "Latin". I know a number of Latin people and they don't seem to enjoy this kind of fare. My favorite thing about these shows is the tension that exists in a culture that has mastered the whore/Madonna polemic... I love the way that the Catholicism-induced guilt and backward attitudes towards women simmer just below the surface in these shows... it's the same energy and hypocrisy that made all of the catholic school girls in high school the easiest to hook up with. I bet that within a year we'll see religious programs on Univision that feature chicks with enormous implants and priests that oogle over them.
Mountain Momma
Toe Factor: 9
Chances she keeps in touch with her parents: 0%
Chances she owns a pit bull or other violent pet: 100%
This babe is not one to mess with. She'll kick your ass and throw you in the back of her 1979 El Camino without breaking a sweat. This picture makes me realize the difference between the rednecks in the Eastern and Western United States. In the East, when you go out in the country, things are Rockwellian, very quaint...covered bridges, country gentlemen who read books and have teeth. Small College towns with tweed-blazer-wearing professors. Out West, when you venture into the sticks, it's terrifying. Women who look like Neil Young and have bodies buried in the back yard. The Unabomber. People who have never had a telephone number. I am afraid of this woman, her toe and whatever she is holding in her pocket.
Outdoor Concert Toe
Toe Factor: 6 (good depth, not good definition)
Seen: Stalking Vince Neil of Motley Crue
This woman, call her Abby, just got off work at Target and filled up her mini-cooler with Icehouse beer to go to the Monsters of Roc k reunion tour at Meriwether Post Pavilion in Columbia, MD. To tempt the various loser guys in the vicinity of her blanket, she decided to sport her tight denim shorts that used to fit her in vocational school and her homemade cutoff top. Why is it that outdoor concerts usually look like casting calls for the Jenny Jones show? I will tell you why. Because outdoor concerts suck. They are just like regular concerts, only with bad acoustics, uncomfortable seating, mosquitoes and porta-potties. And yet every year, these venues pack them in for one reason: Abby. You see, Abby is 4 Icehouses away from taking some random clown behind the porta-john and giving him a reason to live. But no amount of casual oral sex with the aroma of vomit and fecal matter is worth going to an outdoor concert. Join me in my boycott. Fight the power.
Camel Toe Girls
Featured Articles
Smoking Toe
Today's younger generation is confused. They know that smoking causes lung cancer, but they also know that smoking is cool. Here's how some of the more creative kids are reconciling these competing realities.
First Toe
Here we see Laura Bush and some sort of religious official who looks like Karl Rove. Maybe that is Karl Rove and they just have him shadow (sometimes in costume) the Bushes the way that Tom Cruise assigns a Scientologist 24/7/365 to think and speak for his "girlfriend".
"Toe Canada" (sung to "Oh Canada")
I'm glad that NAFTA included Canada... that way this beauty can enter the country without paying a Toeriff. It's about time Canada started stepping up their game...